I’ve been watching Skins lately, and as such, I’ve been thinking a lot about high school (please don’t send a castration squad after me. I promise that’s not nearly as dirty as it sounds). Mostly, I remember the insane amount of work that was placed upon my not-broad-enough-for-football-or-popularity shoulders. Meeting all those deadlines nearly made me gouge my eyes out with a number 2 pencil. A lot of my classmates would try to make up some excuse, but, unfortunately, teachers know darn well that your grandmother can only pass away once… two or three times, tops.
Now that I’m a little bit older and wiser (in cool-kid speak, read, “lamer”), I figured I’d help out the future leaders of America by coming up with some real hip and happening stories. So kids, the next time you’re asked to bring your homework to the front of the class, try out these creative excuses. They’re almost guaranteed to fail, but without a completed assignment, so are you.
1. A Black Hole Got It
While it’s not the least bit plausible, this excuse does make it sound like you might have opened a textbook at some point. The best part is that it works regardless of the assigned topic. Building a model of the volcano that buried Pompeii? Who would have thought baking soda and vinegar could tear open the cosmos? Dissecting a frog? Guess what was in the lower intestine? If the teacher doesn’t believe you, just ask him or her, “Have YOU ever read Steven Hawking’s ‘A Brief History of Time?’” Chances are they have, but you’re pretty much dead meat at that point anyway.
2. It’s Not Late, It’s a Political Protest
The world is a hotbed of divisive and controversial current events. Like any good politician, you need to exploit them for personal gain. In other words, you’re not going to hand in your math homework until Proposition 31 passes in Wyoming. It’s a long shot, but you just might leave your teacher confused enough to forget about giving you an “F” before the bell rings.
3. Convince Your Teacher He/She Doesn’t Exist
This one requires a little participation from your classmates. When your teacher asks for the dreaded homework, act like you don’t hear them. If they stop by your desk, look past them and ask your friends, “Gee, where is Ms. Johnson today? She’s never late for class!” It also helps if you get a kid from the drama department to come in with a pair of wings and offer to show your teacher what the world would be like if they had never been born. There’s a slim chance you’ll actually drive someone insane, but it is worth it as long as you don’t have to sit in on another parent/teacher conference.
4. The Soap Opera Effect
The night before your project is due, sit down and watch an episode of “Days of Our Lives” (I know, it’s almost as bad as doing actual work, but sometimes slacking off takes a lot of effort). The following school day, repeat the plot verbatim. Example: “Ms. Johnson, I would have completed the assignment, but I was hit in the head by my evil twin, which gave me amnesia.” If they don’t see through your ruse, you might receive an extension, or at least a Daytime Emmy.
5. The Art Student Approach
Imagine how your teacher would react if, instead of turning in a five page analysis of “The Great Gatsby,” you handed them a week-old sloppy joe from the cafeteria. Thanks to the modern art world, it’s not as insane as it sounds. When your teacher demands an explanation, just shout, “It’s a METAPHOR. What don’t you understand?” If all else fails, put on a beret and storm out.
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Well, there you have it. Five outlandish excuses that are just crazy enough to work. Of course, it’s probably easier to just do your homework. In the time it takes you to prepare for any one of these ploys, you probably could have slapped together something worthy of a “B.” After all, if you think homework is time-consuming, try spending a whole year to repeat the grade.
