I was literally five times as excited as this kid.

Forgive me if I hold off on making jokes (why start now?), but I’d like to think that there’s a bit of significance to be found here. For the last 100 days, I have taken a little time every 24 hours to sit down and write SOMETHING. Maybe it was a three part series, an imagined conversation, or a stupid one liner that other people didn’t seem to enjoy very much. The point is, I did it.

Yesterday, I also reached another milestone. After a long and arduous search, I’ve found some steady employment in the industry I love.

All that being said, I think it’s time I stop posting so frequently. I’ll be back for another 100 posts, and hopefully more, but I need to give the internet’s tubes a bit of recovery time.

In summation, thanks to everyone who read, commented, or maybe even got a chuckle out of this blog. Now all I need to do is sign off gracefully…

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Hey, have you guys seen the trailer for “The Running Man?”

I say, what a novel idea. Pip, pip, cheerio… uh, bro!

Unfortunately, something seems lost in translation. The columnist is content to simply attack older riders.

What in the name of… why did you cut to me just then? How uncouth!

To be fair, it’s really only the unwieldy mid-life-crisis guys he’s going after. But as a big fan of skateboarding who isn’t getting any younger, I feel the need to come to their defense. Look, Mr. Columnist, sir, just cause you’re getting older doesn’t mean you can’t try something new. And if some aging hipster needs to fall off his board a few times before he gets the hang of it… well, then that’s just the hilarious reality of it.

Come on, you know it’s funny.

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Hey, it wasn't on MY door... but I still think a simple "STFU" would have done the trick. "THANK'S!"

It also featured the reanimated corpse of a drowning victim… the only logical explanation for Skeeter’s skin-tone.

There was one show, however, that I’ve come to realize simply did not live up to its name. I am, of course, referring to Clarissa Explains It All.

Okay, granted, the lead character’s name was “Clarissa.” But really bring yourself back to the days of SNICK… did Melissa Joan Hart ever explain anything?

Other than (in the later years) where her lady parts were located?

In Boy Meets World, Corey would encounter a real-world problem, Sean would say “FEENY,” and everyone would leave a little more enlightened. In Clarissa, however, we dip into a world of surrealism that would make Dali think he was trippin’ balls.

Seriously, my roommate bought season 1 on DVD, and even as a full-grown man, I left more baffled than when I started.  Over the course of a mere two episodes, Clarissa manages to design several videogames, install a full closed-circuit security system in her house, and (I swear on the Agro-Crag, I am not making this up) get a heavy pot to levitate through her living room. NONE OF THIS CRAZY BULLSHIT IS EXPLAINED BY ANYONE.

I guess in the grand scheme of things, Nickelodeon did pretty alright for themselves. Sure, Clarissa left some things to be desired, but it could have been worse…

It could have been CatDog.

Now that I’m a little bit older and wiser (in cool-kid speak, read, “lamer”), I figured I’d help out the future leaders of America by coming up with some real hip and happening stories. So kids, the next time you’re asked to bring your homework to the front of the class, try out these creative excuses. They’re almost guaranteed to fail, but without a completed assignment, so are you.

1. A Black Hole Got It

While it’s not the least bit plausible, this excuse does make it sound like you might have opened a textbook at some point. The best part is that it works regardless of the assigned topic. Building a model of the volcano that buried Pompeii? Who would have thought baking soda and vinegar could tear open the cosmos? Dissecting a frog? Guess what was in the lower intestine? If the teacher doesn’t believe you, just ask him or her, “Have YOU ever read Steven Hawking’s ‘A Brief History of Time?’” Chances are they have, but you’re pretty much dead meat at that point anyway.

2. It’s Not Late, It’s a Political Protest

The world is a hotbed of divisive and controversial current events. Like any good politician, you need to exploit them for personal gain. In other words, you’re not going to hand in your math homework until Proposition 31 passes in Wyoming. It’s a long shot, but you just might leave your teacher confused enough to forget about giving you an “F” before the bell rings.

3. Convince Your Teacher He/She Doesn’t Exist

This one requires a little participation from your classmates. When your teacher asks for the dreaded homework, act like you don’t hear them. If they stop by your desk, look past them and ask your friends, “Gee, where is Ms. Johnson today? She’s never late for class!” It also helps if you get a kid from the drama department to come in with a pair of wings and offer to show your teacher what the world would be like if they had never been born. There’s a slim chance you’ll actually drive someone insane, but it is worth it as long as you don’t have to sit in on another parent/teacher conference.

4. The Soap Opera Effect

The night before your project is due, sit down and watch an episode of “Days of Our Lives” (I know, it’s almost as bad as doing actual work, but sometimes slacking off takes a lot of effort). The following school day, repeat the plot verbatim. Example: “Ms. Johnson, I would have completed the assignment, but I was hit in the head by my evil twin, which gave me amnesia.” If they don’t see through your ruse, you might receive an extension, or at least a Daytime Emmy.

5. The Art Student Approach

Imagine how your teacher would react if, instead of turning in a five page analysis of “The Great Gatsby,” you handed them a week-old sloppy joe from the cafeteria. Thanks to the modern art world, it’s not as insane as it sounds. When your teacher demands an explanation, just shout, “It’s a METAPHOR. What don’t you understand?” If all else fails, put on a beret and storm out.

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Well, there you have it. Five outlandish excuses that are just crazy enough to work. Of course, it’s probably easier to just do your homework. In the time it takes you to prepare for any one of these ploys, you probably could have slapped together something worthy of a “B.” After all, if you think homework is time-consuming, try spending a whole year to repeat the grade.